Obama Noms Jesus for SCOTUS; GOP 'Outraged'

President Obama announced today his nomination of Jesus of Nazareth to replace Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. Justice Scalia passed away on Friday of natural causes. Cries of dismay were immediately heard from Republican observers.

"This is outrageous," said Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader. "You saw what he did to the money changers. The last thing our economy needs is an anti-business justice."

Charles Grassley (R-IA) added that "Jesus forgives everybody. That does not bode well for law and order in our country."

These sentiments were echoed throughout the conservative community. Rush Limbaugh, the conservative radio infotanair, called Jesus " a liberal long-haired hippy n*gg*r-lover, and the Republicans should stand firm against him."

Fun and Games with Torture

As long as the U.S.A. is returning to the practice of torturing "detainees" (read: "prisoners"), why don't we update our practices to be a little more in keeping with the times?  Waterboarding is so twelfth century.  I offer some ideas:

• Blare Olivia Newton John's "I Honestly Love You" on repeat
• Pipe in an audio book performed by Janet Yellen
• Make 'em eat offal for dinner
• Add @realDonaldTrump to their Twitter timeline
• "Treat" them to a blowjob from Sarah Palin
• Make them play Pong, and deliver an electric shock every time they miss
• Have them stand in line behind an old lady writing a check at the grocery store
• Force feed 'em microwaved Brussel sprouts
• Make them binge watch a box set of Brady Bunch episodes
• Trim their beards with a FlowBee
• Shut 'em in a room with a cat in heat
• Make them write "Bill O'Reilly is a penis" 1000 times on the chalkboard*
• Speak to them only in Pig Latin
• Hook them up with Ann Coulter
• Blame him for Bristol Palin's next pregnancy
• Threaten to send them to Dollywood
• Make them clean Rush Limbaugh's toilet
• Take away his cot and replace it with Whoopie Cushions
• Serve them with subpoenas requiring them to testify before Congress
• Give them banjo lessons
• Hook him up with Josh Duggar
• Fly them to New Zealand in a crop duster
• Put them in charge of answering your girlfriend's questions
• Punish them for following orders
• Put Mormon missionaries in charge of interrogations
• Gift each with a scrapbook collection of the guards's boogers
• Put them in charge of navigating the Comcast support line

*Seriously, he gets very stiff and his head turns purple when he's "excited."

7 Ways to End a Text Message Conversation

You know what I’m talking about.  You’re texting with a friend, and the conversation drags on vapidly.  Your BFF can’t seem to stop typing.  You’re irritated, fatigued, and your brain is getting gassy.

Oh, it starts out innocently enough:

BFF:  hi just touching base how r u?

Me:  finer than a frogs hair split 5 ways

BFF:  ha ha what r u doin:

Me: minding my own business

BFF:  I’m doing the nyt crossword

Me:  5 across is spatchcock

BFF:  thx

There is a pause here when I don’t reply.  Are we done yet?  No.

BFF:  What ru having for dinner?

Me:  vacant lot salad with cedar mulch dressing

BFF:  yuk!!!!

Me:  what’s wrong?

BFF:  You’re gross!

Me:  says you… little miss dumpster diver?

BFF:  wish you would stop talking about taco bell

Me:  just sayin

BFF:  I’ve seen you eat their burritos

Me:  had em for lunch.  That’s why I’m on the toilet.

Cha, Cha, Cha!  I’ve got seven more ways you can bring the conversation to a “conclusion.”  Pick one, type it in and then holster your phone.

1.      I’m having an out-of-body experience.  brb.
2.       From postmaster:  You’re text was undeliverable.
3.       There has been an error.  Please close your application.
4.       From Reddit:  Congratulations! You have won our Sweepstakes!  You must respond to         youluckydog.com immediately!  Enter code 314159.
5.       What do you take for diarrhea?
6.       The Fire Department is here.
7.       The user has blocked you.

Peace at last!