GUEST BLOG: Aunt Prude Says

This GUEST BLOG was inevitable.  I let Aunt Prude horn in on my blog back last November and I was under no illusion that that would be the end of it.  Well, she was here on Mother’s Day and demanded her due.  “Nobody likes your stupid poems!” she said.  “My mailbag is bursting at the seams.  The People need me.  You call yourself a writer?  Okay, I’ll dictate, and you write!”  So here it is:  the long-dreaded second installment of “Aunt Prude Says.”

Question:  Ick!  My mother just came out as a lesbian.  It’s bad enough that she’s a philatelist, but now this?  I want to kill myself.  What should I do? – Put Out in Boston.

Aunt Prude Says:  Dearest Put Out, my grandmother was from Lesbos, and believe-you-me there is no shame in it!  Her second cousin even won the Nobel Prize in Poetry!  He was a real poet, not like my stupid nephew.  I know it isn’t popular these days to be from anyplace Greek, but think of the olive oil!  I am concerned about her philately though.  In my day, we didn’t discuss such things in public.  Tell her to put a sock in it.

For the record, Aunt Prude is not a “Lesbian.”  She very well may be a closeted philatelist though.

Question:  My neighbor and I do not get along.  He keeps hammering in a “For Sale” sign in my lawn in front of my house.  My house is not for sale and I have no intention of moving.  When I remove the sign, he just sneaks back at night and puts it back up.  What do I do? – Staying Put in Brooklyn.

Aunt Prude Says:  Go down to the public library and log out on the internet.  They will tell you how to make a flashy bangy thing called an IUD.  Somebody’s probably dog-eared it already.  If you have trouble, just ask the man with the sun glasses and ear piece.  He will help you get everything you need.  Follow the instructions.  The next time your neighbor puts up his sign, he will be in for a LOUD surprise!  I know it works, because the librarian says she gets letters from the government about it all the time.

If you ask me, Aunt Prude knows perfectly well what she’s doing.  Pox on her!  Personally, I think the local mob boss is a better bet here.

Question:  I am a young emo woman who is a vegan and a free spirit, with an unctuous sprinkle of goth.  I don’t shave my legs or my armpits.  My boyfriend says I’m gross and is threatening to troll me on Instagram.  Should I hold my ground or compromise a little here? – Hairy in the O.C.

Aunt Prude Says:  Tsk, tsk, young lady.  I don’t know what emos, vegans, and goths are, but reading between the lines, I assume you’re an ape.  Yes, a little compromise is in order and totally painless.  When I was a young woman, I rubbed my legs and armpits with a two-percent solution of muriatic acid twice a month for a year.  Presto! Hair-be-gone forever!  Of course, there was a nasty red pimply rash.  But that went away after 10 or 15 years.  But I haven’t shaved since!  My nephew tells me I have a very active Instagram account now and I get trolled all the time.  I don’t feel a thing, so it can’t be that bad.

Aunt Prude wanted you to know that her acid bath is not recommended for pubes.  She thought that important, but didn’t want to go there herself, and left it to me to pass on, like all those mea culpas at the end of the pharmaceutical commercials.  Geez, she’s like the back-alley abortion of everything.  I just made up the Instagram thing to mess with her.  She’s not on twitter either.  There is no hashtag to describe her.