Ice Cream Moat, a Poem by M.W. Thomas

Dish me a scoop of ice cream,
Large or small.
What beautiful thing does not
Ice cream pair well with?
If my puppy wags her tail,
Then scoop me some strawberry!
If a new child is announced,
Let us celebrate with chocolate mint!
When they have finally paved my street,
Then it is time for a heaping bowl of rocky road!

What does ice cream not go with?
Thieves and liars.
Hurricanes and earthquakes.
The Pooping Cough.

Let ice cream hold the bad world at bay!
I shall dig a moat around my house
And fill it with ice cream.
Then I shall live in pure contentment.

Weird Things We Accept as Normal

If I were to show up one day wearing a necktie and you had never seen one of those before, you would be laughing so hard your beverage would be spraying out of your nostrils. Sometimes, there is a clear disadvantage to thinking, some might say over-thinking, because so much of what we have accepted as "normal" for our entire lives is actually pretty damned weird.

Now I'm not talking about novelties like pet rocks or mood rings. That is entertainment and amusement. Nor do I speak of cultural variants, such as tattoos and piercings. No, I'm onto those things we call ''normal" that make no dadgum sense at all.

Forks and knives are fodder for Alice In Wonderland.  Think about it: a single utilitarian solution for every table? It makes no sense. And along with that comes the notion of table manners. That wouldn't be so bad if people could at least get it right. Did you know that asparagus is finger food? Yet across from most Moms, if you use your fingers instead of your universal fork, you get your hand slapped.

Toilet paper has to be the worst idea of all time. I suppose it works fine to daub a lady's dainty dew. But it is worse than of no use on a man's serious business.  You can scrub with that stuff until you have self-induced hemorrhoids, and you will still have skid-marked underpants. No, I want to wash after my constitutional. I lobby to make the bidet standard everywhere.

I have always thought opera and musicals are idiotic. Sure, don't I always break into song in a moment of melancholy? What could be more natural? That's why I enjoyed Chicago so much. They really played up the exaggerated transition into song and dance with a surrealism that appeals to people like me - that is, people who know musicals are intrinsically stupid. Nevertheless, I still love Mary Poppins: don't hold it against me.

There is hope, though, and I can produce proof. When I was a kid, there was this abomination called the TV dinner. These were foil packed, ready to eat "meals" introduced by Swanson's in 1953. Even as bad as the food itself, the movement included a whole culture of eating in front of the TV (which offered about three broadcast networks at that time) with the use of household devices called TV dinner trays. Even though these things still exist (the "meals" go in the 'wave now), and you can still shop for this TV tray junk at Kmart, I still think it serves as an example of the weird that is no longer accepted as "normal."

Do you have examples of your own you'd like to share? Leave a comment (link directly below) or shoot me an email. Your participation is not only welcome, it is wanted!

#SOTU

In case you missed it, President Obama spake of the union last night. He made his grand entrance into the chamber and was greeted with a clamor and caught a wave of handshakes and high fives as he transited up the aisle.  I hope the VIPs were instructed to use hand sanitizer before they entered since the last thing we need is for the leader of the free world to catch a flu.  The president was announced with the customary ceremony, and wasn't even asked to present his birth certificate.


We heard a full-throated boast of the accomplishments of the administration from the Man himself.  Here they are in bullet form.

• Our economy is growing and creating jobs at the fastest pace since 1999 (up yours W)
• Our unemployment rate is now lower than it was before the financial crisis
• More of our kids are graduating than ever before (doesn't necessarily mean they can read and write)
• More of our people are insured than ever before
• We are as free from the grip of foreign oil as we've been in almost 30 years 

He didn't mention the explosion of butt-selfies or listicles on BuzzFeed. Of course, Republicans want to steal credit for these things too, except perhaps for butt-selfies and listicles.

"The shadow of crisis has passed, and the State of the Union is strong."

Most of the speech expounded on the notion of the "Middle Class Economy", from here on MCE, whatever exactly that is.  You can read a full transcript of the speech here.  Allow me to butcher some of the highlights. Obama talked for an hour. I will talk for ten minutes. You can thank me in the Comments section (link below.)

He will send Congress a budget that is practical, not partisan. Let me save you some trouble: that means Congress will ignore it. This budget will, of course, implement his new economic theory of the MCE. He proceeds with an anecdote about Rebekah and Ben Erler of Minneapolis, who bounced back from the economic crisis, and now live happily ever after.

"America, Rebeka and Ben's story is our story," the Prez declares. No it's not. First of all, they live in Minneapolis and so to almost a certainty they talk even funnier than Sarah Palin. They have the annoying habit of ending sentences in prepositions. Second, it's 40 below there in the winter. Normal Americans find that to be something with which up they will not put. Thirdly, Rebeka got a better job with a raise. Who does that?

Citing lower gas prices, consumer protections, economic growth, the doubling of the stock market, and ten million newly insured Americans Obama announces: "So the verdict is clear. Middle-class economics works."  Wait a minute! He still hasn't even told us what MCE is! Except that is simply defined according to whatever he's been doing the past six years?!

Oh wait! Maybe this helps: "First - middle class economics means helping working families feel more secure in a world of constant change." That's childcare, college, healthcare, a home, and retirement. To me, it also means a 60" TV and the newest iPhone.

He then proceeds to propose a mandate on employers to provide earned paid sick leave. Send me a Bill! He didn't mean Clinton.

Second, it means doing more to help Americans upgrade their skills, so they can improve their wages. Ahem! I'm a life-long learner, and I've always expanded my skill set, and when I improve my wages, the result is that it prices me out of the job.  Nobody wants to pay more for more. They want to pay less for more. Especially the government itself. Let's analyze this problem a little better folks.

Anyway, this non-sequitur leads to free community college for everyone. God Bless Us! Everyone!

And to have a more competitive economy, we must invest in infrastructure. That's the stuff that carries trains, planes, and automobiles; oh, and butt-selfies and listicles.  Then a little dig at the 'pubs - "let's set our sights higher than a single oil pipeline." Rim shot, anyone?

He also asks for "fast track" trade promotion authority. Not popular with his own party, it was one of the few things in his speech that will gain traction with the opposition. That and tax reform, although his tact perhaps ran a bit off the rails as far as they're concerned.  A negotiation ploy perhaps? He wants to close loop holes that benefit corporations and the superrich. I thought I caught the Spray-tan Speaker leaning over to puke in his waste basket at about this time.

Two more topics to go before he leaves the stage. Next up is foreign policy. Of course, it's all about "strong" diplomacy more so than the exercise of military power. The ISIS strategy is working, even if it's not. That's because we're getting lot's of great cooperation, even if we're not. America is taking the lead across the globe, even if it's from behind. That's how you walk a dog isn't it? Nobody says the dog is the leader. Oh, and he warns Congress away from interfering with the Iran talks.

The President closed by waxing philosophical. "I still believe that we are one people." You know, not Red States versus Blue States, remember that? He failed to take into account that Yours Truly is mutant. He decried how our politics pulls us into the gutter. Hey dude! I live there! And I keep my gutter so clean you could eat off it.

Well, that's a wrap. "Thank you, God bless you, and God bless this country we love." I hope you don't come down with the flu.

Updated January 23, 2015

 

The Waterboard by M.W. Thomas

By Any Other Nerd

Lance Eaton

Some people are as sublimely ridiculous as they are awesome. Lance Eaton, author of the subject blog, cuts just that silhouette in the background of the blogosphere. By Any Other Nerd is in itself a nearly complete library of Western Literature. In 2014 he read 365 short stories and posted articles on them. In 2013 it was 365 books. And those projects are but two little corners of his Frankenblog.  Is he a masochist? When does he have time to tend to his epistle-mania? He must have exited the space-time continuum.

By Any Other Nerd is the only blog an avid reader will ever need. The rest of us writers may as well log off our sites and settle in with Lance. In fact, I'm tempted to leave off here.


Lance's quest seems almost Quixotic.  Has his mind been kidnapped by books on blog-errantry? When I tab over from his blog to mine, I want to cry. I feel like Sancho Panza. "You obviously know nothing of the adventures of blogging !"

The rabbit warren that is By Any Other Nerd is fascinating to explore. My favorite way to navigate is by using his tag cloud, because he offers the joy of discovery, but he also has a search box if you have some idea of what you would like to find.

This blog punches well above its weight. I implore you to check it out. If you are a reader, I can almost guarantee you will love it.

The Waterboard by M.W. Thomas

Not to be confused with whorehouses of good repute.

A Letter From a Friend

I found a little a treasure in my mailbox Thursday evening, courtesy United States Postal Service. It was a letter from an old friend, really just a note, but a good old fashioned epistle anyway unencoded in 0's and 1's, written by his own hand. I replied with a handwritten artifact of my own, enveloped and embossed with a Forever Stamp. I put it in my mailbox and set the flag. Please Mr. Postman, carry my personal note across the country to my dear friend!

The Post Office Department, later to become the USPS, was established by the Second Continental Congress in 1775, declaring on July 26 "That a line of posts be appointed under the direction of the Postmaster general, from Falmouth in New England to Savannah in Georgia, with as many cross posts as he shall think fit."  For decades of American history, the USPS was the subject of no controversy, and was depended upon by correspondents, merchants, and messengers of all descriptions; for a dark example: the Unibomber. Remember those magazine cutout letters the nefarious would use to disguise themselves in the US mail? That left the FBI in the unenviable position of identifying the signature scissors and the assaulted periodicals.

That brings me to the next point. The US mail is essentially unhackable. Sure, a common thief can steal your rent check from your personal mailbox, but that is easily solved by depositing it instead in the Big Blue Mailbox conveniently located on street corners everywhere. Nobody's going to drain your retirement account via the USPS.

It has been a little while since the controversy has made headline news, but there is a battle brewing over USPS revenues and services, fueled by the Postal Service's annual shortfalls. The problem of course lies in the business model of USPS self-funding by postage stamps and other fees for service. But expenses are running ahead of revenues, in part because of the onerous requirements Congress has imposed on the USPS to fund pensions in extreme out years. 

The USPS can increase the face value of a postage stamp and raise fees. The problem is that they have competition from two sectors.  One is the package delivery business in the form of FedEx and the Brown Thing; the other is the email, text messaging, and social/anti-social media alternatives in the digital world. Therefore, it is difficult to increase the cost of using the US mail without causing the overall affect of reduced revenues on account of reduced patronage.

The USPS can be innovative on the expense side of the ledger. Postal services can be emplaced in 7-11s, Walmarts, and other ubiquitous businesses in smaller towns, instead of having stand apart brick and mortar post offices. For mail and package delivery, it's the distribution centers that matter, and those are highly efficient. Not acceptable: ending Saturday delivery. In today's world, delay in delivery of products and services cannot be tolerated.

The USPS is a national asset. It is critical to both commerce and national security. Sooner more than later there will be a massive cyber attack on the US, and the Postal Service will be critical as a security solution. The mailman will rise again as a national hero.

I hope my friend enjoys his letter and feels the intimacy that can only be conveyed by a supplicant's personal hand. I am no Luddite, and would not give up text messaging and email for anything, but the old fashioned personal note still has a place.

Sincerely,
Mike

I CAN Stand For It!

Lindsey Kaufman has a thing or
two to say about open office
spaces. Today's winner of MIO's
Finger Wag Certificate of
Achievement.

A certain Lindsey Kaufman got me a-thinkin'. She published a somewhat muted rant in THE WASHINGTON POST today, deploring the proliferation of the "open office space" work environment ("Hey boss: I can't get any work done in this office," Sunday, January 4, 2015.)  I happen to work in an ossified industry in which I enjoy the miracle of the now traditional cubicle, and so do not have an opinion, irrefutable or otherwise, on the upsides and downsides of the free ranging of the workforce.  But clearly, Ms. Kaufman ain't fer it. She complains of the noise, the inane conversation, the useless added "interaction", and an overall dissatisfaction with the affects on worker productivity. She does offer some suggestions for making the new concept function better; but that will most likely be greeted with something like "Frankly, my dear...," and we're all familiar with the rest.

The real problem is that nobody works the same way anyhow.  I happen to like working standing up.  Now, it's not that way at my day job; but when at home writing my blog, or doing my other world-improvement projects, I stand upright at the glass block and granite bar that completes my basement, with my 'puter and my other working materials at a comfortable altitude.

I've always preferred working that way, and I know I'm not alone, even though we as the worker-erectus branch of the evolutionary tree may be in the minority. The "standing desk" is catching on though. A 2012 article in WIRED cited a litany of reasons to get off your butt. Among them, increased risked of obesity, diabetes, and heart attack. And I suspect bed sores too.

To boot, I fractured my back last summer, and sitting is the least comfortable position I can bend myself into these days. But that's not the only reason. 

I've always had a penchant for working erect (oh you!) My peripatetic genius will not be denied.  Pacing is an indispensable component of blessing the world with my intellectual product. The life-giving flow of blood is ideally distributed throughout mind and machine when upright.  Plus, at my age, any delay in getting to the urinal quickly enough could be mortifying. Then there's reason Number 2.

Ms. Kaufman is right. After all this time, we don't know how to work?  Some Silicon Valley efficiency manager must now enter the picture to set things right?  Hippo weenie! Show your support and send her article viral folks!  You can visit her on FB here.

h/t: WASHINGTON POST

nom de Twitter: @unrefuted
Email: myirrefutableopinion@gmail.com

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The Waterboard by M.W. Thomas

Greet the New Year with Impishness and Moustaches

nom de Twitter: @unrefuted
Email: myirrefutableopinion@gmail.com

Email subscription form at bottom of page.