Sunday, November 22, 2015

GUEST BLOG Aunt Prude Says

It was bound to happen.  Aunt Prude found out I had a blog and, as I expected, had to horn in on the action.  “I’ve got plenty to say,” she said.  “You MUST put me on your blog.”  “What do you have to say?” I asked apprehensively.  “Why, people are always asking me for advice.  I know up from down and everyone knows it, except you.”  I plucked out the barb.  “Okay, Aunt Prude,  what have you got?”

Question 1:  Dear Aunt Prude, on long trips I find that it can be hard to find radio stations through long stretches in between large towns and cities.  It can get really boring without anything to listen to.  What do you suggest? – Lost in Kansas

Aunt Prude:  I know exactly what you are talking about.  I bring my own music with me on road trips, and a cassette player.  That way I can listen to my own music like Tony Orlando and Dawn, or even Olivia Newton John.  I can’t get enough of “I Honestly Love You,” can you?  Hope this helps.

Oh, brother.

Question 2:  Dear Aunt Prude, I inherited a lab mix who really likes to play. I went down to Pet Smart to find some dog toys, but their prices are just outrageous.  What are my choices? – Cheapskate in Hoboken

Aunt Prude:  Oh, these retailers are con artists, no matter what you’re buying.  You can make do with what you have around the house.  If you tie a knot in an old dish towel, that makes a fine tug toy.  We had a medium size dog, and I just gave it the cue ball off of Uncle Jack’s pool table.  The dog loved it.  Stick to the ground game though.  A game of catch might knock all of the dog’s teeth out.

Aunt Prude is the only person I know to ever get kicked out of a dog shelter.

Question 3:  Dear Aunt Prude, I get tired of dragging my butt all over town shopping for me and the whole family.  Is there a better way? – Lazy in St. Paul

Aunt Prude:  Yes.  You can go down to the public library and “shop inline.”  You get on their TV and type in a special number called an “earl.”  Bring a list of stores with you.  The library assistant may be grumpy, but will help you.  You can find the things you want and type in your credit card number and address and it will be delivered right to your home!  Easy as pie.  Try it.  You’ll like it.

It’s called a URL Aunt Prude and it’s not a TV.  Good grief.


Sorry about this post Refuters.  I hope Aunt Prude doesn’t become a regular feature.

Sunday, November 15, 2015

Slow Down

Speed kills.  I am not just talking about cars.  I mean in general.  Going too fast wrecks things like cars and like dating.  Excessive speed ruins projects, drains bank accounts, and scratches furniture.  It is the number one cause of bad hair days.

Speed is relative and excessive speed is judged proportionally against the scope and size of sentient action.  How fast does a python swallow a pig? Fast talking may get you that refund at Target, but it won't marry you to your soul mate.  Impatient fumbling with a paper airplane may not be consequential, but your querulous DIY brake job can lead to tragedy. Quick thinking when you're attacked by a nest of wasps may be a good thing.  But a rush to judgment can capitally punish the wrong suspect.

Life has limited throughput.  When the receiver's bandwidth is smaller than the transmitter's, something is not going to work right.  When you slow down, everything is better.  If everybody slowed down, we'd get within Zeno's distance of a utopia.

Unfortunately, the millennials are hogging all the data tubes.  They want to make a senior salary straight out of college, then retire at 35.  They are smart, but not like they think they are.  They have not yet learned how to modulate their velocity  I am sure they know the difference between taking off like a rocket and falling off a twelve story building.  But they don't act like it.

I won't be any gentler on older folks who are slow learners either.  You, who passed me on the shoulder going 70 mph yesterday, need to go back to a school of some kind.  Maybe one with bars.  There is a reason we have criminalized excessive speed.  It's reach may not be as wide as needs to be though.

So put a governor on it folks.  Slow down and smell the roses.  Speed up and you will smell the carnations at your funeral.  Or go bankrupt.  Or just make everybody who knows you wish they didn't.  Remember the fable of the tortoise and the hare?  Be a winner.

Sunday, November 8, 2015

Meet the Candidates

The presidential field is the most exciting I've seen in my lifetime.  A parade of public servants have lined up to win my approval.  They are first-class and they work so hard it makes me cry.  How can we go wrong? America's future is very bright indeed with these all-stars in the running. Yet, we must choose among these brilliant leaders.  I can't tell you how to vote, but I can introduce these near deities to you.  Here is a summary of the candidates in five words or less, which is all you need to know.

Donald Trump - Make America Grate Again.














Ben Carson - Zzzzzz













Jeb! - Makin' Spanish Bacon!
















Bernie Sanders - The American People are Idiots.

















Rand Paul - Trust me, I'm a doctor.















The Huckster - The direct dial to God.














John Kasich - Rational RINO.












Hillary Clinton - I am woman.
















Sunday, November 1, 2015

I Have No Ass

Frog jeans.
#noass # flatass, the hashtags speak for themselves. The ass deficit is of great consternation in the women's body image market.  This space is one of the richest sources of butt selfies, in this case a fundamental dystopia of butt ugly. These non-Kardasians have tried everything from butt pads to orthopedic shoes. Still, no butt cheeks are to be seen. These loaves failed to rise before they got baked.

But white guys like me are genetically marked for the No-Ass Syndrome.  I guess asses were not evolutionarily useful to the western European gene stock. Come to think of it, I am not sure what purpose a plump butt is supposed to serve. The only application I am aware of is to stretch denim.

Which brings me to the subject of Casual Friday. Many workplaces like mine condone dressing down on Fridays.  Jeans are permitted. Let me tell you something, just because you can wear jeans doesn't mean you should. I can't remember the last time I saw a man over 25 who looks good in jeans. Casual is not a synonym for Ugly. No-ass white guys are better advised to consider a nice pair of khakis or some navy blue Dockers.

The first stage of No-Ass Syndrome is Grief. But let's hurry on to the second stage, which is Acceptance. Wear your 501's around the house. But leave your jeans at home. The world will be a better place if us flat ass white guys give going out in jeans a long rest.

Note: shortly after publishing this post, I got added to the  @allaboutdab00ty No-Ass-List. I'm immortal.