I Have No Ass

Frog jeans.

#noass # flatass, the hashtags speak for themselves. The ass deficit is of great consternation in the women's body image market.  This space is one of the richest sources of butt selfies, in this case a fundamental dystopia of butt ugly. These non-Kardasians have tried everything from butt pads to orthopedic shoes. Still, no butt cheeks are to be seen. These loaves failed to rise before they got baked.

But white guys like me are genetically marked for the No-Ass Syndrome.  I guess asses were not evolutionarily useful to the western European gene stock. Come to think of it, I am not sure what purpose a plump butt is supposed to serve. The only application I am aware of is to stretch denim.

Which brings me to the subject of Casual Friday. Many workplaces like mine condone dressing down on Fridays.  Jeans are permitted. Let me tell you something, just because you can wear jeans doesn't mean you should. I can't remember the last time I saw a man over 25 who looks good in jeans. Casual is not a synonym for Ugly. No-ass white guys are better advised to consider a nice pair of khakis or some navy blue Dockers.

The first stage of No-Ass Syndrome is Grief. But let's hurry on to the second stage, which is Acceptance. Wear your 501's around the house. But leave your jeans at home. The world will be a better place if us flat ass white guys give going out in jeans a long rest.

Note: shortly after publishing this post, I got added to the  @allaboutdab00ty No-Ass-List. I'm immortal.