If I Am Not The Center Of The Universe

If I am not the Center of the Universe, then who is?  I am sick up and fed with the like of you all who would deny me my place in the Cosmos, or in the express lane.  The elevator goes to my floor – first.  Thank you for holding the door for me, now please step aside and make yourself scarce.  How dare you cut me off in traffic?  I am sorry your kid swallowed a triple-A battery, but I need to get to the store and buy a pack of cigarettes.  Do you not understand that I have the right of way on all our highways and byways?  Do you want to Make America Great Again?  Then get the hell out of my way.

Also, I am always right.  It says so on the internet, even if I put it there myself.  If you disagree, you can take it up with my Internet Service Provider.  Anyway, that’s called Infallibility, which a board game by Hasbro, and is close enough to real life for me.  I call it Irrefutable so I can’t be sued for trademark infringement.  That’s called Irresponsibility.

Did I mention Omnipotent?  That means I am All-Powerful except when my wife is home.  I can raise my hand and bend my mind by sheer force of will.  This power has to be used sparingly, otherwise I might inadvertently power wash the deck next weekend, but with prayer and meditation, it can be a force to end all forces.

Last night I had a dream that I died and faced my Creator along with Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  God turned to Honest Abe first and said:  “Abraham, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”

Abe said:  “Father in Heaven, I worked mightily for justice and wisdom so that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish.  In the midst of it, I fought a Great Civil War to preserve the promise of America and free it of the scourge of slavery, which would have been the ruin of this continent.  Indeed, I gave my own life in service of this great and terrible struggle.”

And God said:  “Abraham, you shall sit in the chair to my right.”

Then God spoke to FDR and said:  “Franklin, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”

FDR said:  “Father in Heaven, I have labored all my life on behalf of the oppressed and disenfranchised.  I led the American People through a time of terrible hardship and relieved their burden and their hunger.  In the midst of it, I fought a great war against evil, and led the free world to total defeat of those who would murder and enslave the whole world, and committed unspeakable atrocities.  I died knowing that your divine will only could prevail.”

And God said:  “Franklin, you shall sit in the chair to my left.”

Then God turned to me and said:  “Michael…”

And I said:  “God, I believe you’re in my chair.”

Save Your Marriage Today!

Hey New Guy, is your young marriage on the rocks?  Since space is at a premium on the internet, let’s jump to the quick:  it’s your entire fault.  Men are from Mars and Women are from elsewhere.  Ignorance is no excuse.  You’ll need to set yourself straight before things go much further.  My Irrefutable Opinion will be your guide.

First, have you learned to say, “Yes, Dear”?  You will say it in response to anything she tells you.  Practice in front of a mirror.  You should have a pleasant look on your face, but never smile.  She will be suspicious.

Sure, you let the dog out, but did you make sure he pooped?  Did you see him poop?  Did you tell him to poop?  Did you watch him until he was done pooping?

A thousand questions don’t have a thousand answers, so you have to save them up for the end.  Wait for her phone to ring and then say, “Uh-huh.”

Put the toilet seat down after you pee.  Just the one with the hole in it, not the whole thing.  Change the toilet paper roll if it needs it.  Carefully observe if it goes over or under.  If you can’t find a new roll, ask!  Do not touch anything.  She will rebuke you as helpless, to which you will reply, “Yes, Dear.”  It beats the alternative.

When she drops something in the garbage pail, immediately tie up the bag and take it out to the curb.  If you don’t replace the bag, you deserve what you get.

In the morning when she wakes up, do not speak until you’re spoken to.  Then say, “Yes, Dear.”

There are some words and phrases she will use that you need to learn to translate.  Here’s a quick reference.  Copy it down and keep it in your wallet.

“You always” = “You did it once”

“You never” = “You didn’t do it once”

“Somebody” = “You’

“Some people” = “You”

“I told you” = “I meant to tell you, which is the same thing”

 “You’re drunk” = “You’re drunk”

If you’re a beer drinker, you may have to start hitting the hard stuff.  At dinner, while you and your love bunny are productively reviewing everything you did wrong that day, let your heart swell with gratitude.  Pat her hand and pity your friends who have not yet found the marital bliss that you enjoy.

Delirious Tremors by M.W. Thomas