If I am not the Center of the Universe, then who is? I am sick up and fed with the like of you all who would deny me my place in the Cosmos, or in the express lane. The elevator goes to my floor – first. Thank you for holding the door for me, now please step aside and make yourself scarce. How dare you cut me off in traffic? I am sorry your kid swallowed a triple-A battery, but I need to get to the store and buy a pack of cigarettes. Do you not understand that I have the right of way on all our highways and byways? Do you want to Make America Great Again? Then get the hell out of my way.
Also, I am always right. It says so on the internet, even if I put it there myself. If you disagree, you can take it up with my Internet Service Provider. Anyway, that’s called Infallibility, which a board game by Hasbro, and is close enough to real life for me. I call it Irrefutable so I can’t be sued for trademark infringement. That’s called Irresponsibility.
Did I mention Omnipotent? That means I am All-Powerful except when my wife is home. I can raise my hand and bend my mind by sheer force of will. This power has to be used sparingly, otherwise I might inadvertently power wash the deck next weekend, but with prayer and meditation, it can be a force to end all forces.
Last night I had a dream that I died and faced my Creator along with Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. God turned to Honest Abe first and said: “Abraham, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”
Abe said: “Father in Heaven, I worked mightily for justice and wisdom so that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish. In the midst of it, I fought a Great Civil War to preserve the promise of America and free it of the scourge of slavery, which would have been the ruin of this continent. Indeed, I gave my own life in service of this great and terrible struggle.”
And God said: “Abraham, you shall sit in the chair to my right.”
Then God spoke to FDR and said: “Franklin, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”
FDR said: “Father in Heaven, I have labored all my life on behalf of the oppressed and disenfranchised. I led the American People through a time of terrible hardship and relieved their burden and their hunger. In the midst of it, I fought a great war against evil, and led the free world to total defeat of those who would murder and enslave the whole world, and committed unspeakable atrocities. I died knowing that your divine will only could prevail.”
And God said: “Franklin, you shall sit in the chair to my left.”
Then God turned to me and said: “Michael…”