Most Admired Man

Barry O'Bama

Once again, Barry Obama beat me out for Most Admired Man in America.  I am flabbergasted.  How the American People can have failed to notice my superior qualities, I’ll never know.

First of all, I am always right.  It says so on the internet, even though I might have put it there myself.  Second, I am better looking.  He has those funny ears.  I have noble ears which I have no fear of getting caught in the elevator door.  Thirdly, I’m a better community organizer.  Why, just last week I organized a little band of elementary school children to sniff out illegal pot farms.  All we got was poison ivy, but that’s beside the point.

As they say, there is always next year.  Maybe O’Bama will die of alcohol poisoning next St. Patrick’s Day.  Until then, I remain unrefuted.

Dispatch from the RNC

Well, the GOP was having a pretty good night, until that shrieking woman, Rudy Giuliani, stormed the stage. What in the Sam Hill was that? Fortunately, Michele Obama's speech brought the evening to a more melodious finish.

Yanky Doodle

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Rumsfeld Endorses Donald Trump

Former Donald endorsed The Donald this week, saying he never met a Donald he didn't like. Former Secretary of Defense to Former President George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, endorsed the embattled Republican nominee Donald Trump on Tuesday, saying, "Pooh, pooh, this wasn't even a hard decision."  He likened Trump, who he said he'd never met, to an "unknown unknown," while Hillary Clinton is a "known known," and we all know perfectly well that means, as well as how irrefutably it decides the matter.

  

As Trump's semi-official Poet Laureate, it is my obligation to provide a poem to commemorate this unquantifiable occasion. I have rendered my verse in Mr. Trump's favorite feet and meter. Please hold hands and sway gently from side to side:    

The Twenty-second of June, In the Year of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Sixteen

by M.W. Thomas

Did Rumsfeld endorse Mr. Trump pertinently?

Or was it perhaps inadvertently?

That far could he pass

His head up his ass?

Possibly, probably, certaintly!

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Bernie Sanders Announces for 2017

In a live stream broadcast to his supporters, Bernie Sanders today announced his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President in 2017.  If that bid fails, he will run again in 2018, and if necessary, in 2019, but hinted he may step aside in 2020.

In other news:  Republican Chairman confirmed that Donald Trump remains the presumptive nominee for his party in 2016, and announced that House Speaker Paul Ryan is under twenty-four hour suicide watch by the Capitol Police.  "It's no big deal," he said. "The important thing is that we be united, even if it's in the afterlife."

Yanky Doodle

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MIO Exclusive: Trump Says Reporter Could Have Been Wearing Suicide Tampon Bomb

My reporter on the ground in Wisconsin this week barely escaped bruises herself this week, brushing less than criminally past a Trump supporter with a pitch fork and a torch while the theme song from Peter and the Wolf blared from the loud speakers. She heard The Donald declaring OJ guilty as hell from the podium, and calling for death by beheading.

Trump also addressed the misdemeanor charges filed against his Campaign Manager, Corey Lewandowski, who was charged with battery against an ostensibly friendly Breitbart reporter.  "Corey, who is a GREAT GUY, was just protecting me," said Trump. "Who knows, she might have been wearing a suicide tampon bomb."

Unfortunately, my reporter didn't follow-up because she was distracted by the smell of free popcorn. However, before making her way over to the Circus Tent to stuff her face, she noted one last thing on her napkin: the Obama entourage had allegedly contracted a case of green diarrhea on their visit to Cuba. That's what the Castros have to offer, Trump said, is communism and green diarrhea. We're going to make America great again, declared The Donald, and that means brown diarrhea.

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White Privileged Lives Matter

It has been said the there is no Democratic or Republican way to collect the garbage. Balderdash! Not anymore! It turns out that there is a Republican way to collect the garbage. Namely, with an ass-wiping grin and a loathing for anybody who's not a white anglo victim of melanin.

It goes without saying that the garbage trucks should be fitted with 50-caliber machine gun mounts. For God's sake, do you know where they're going? Into neighborhoods with colored people that's where! Our sanitation engineers should be outfitted with camouflage too. I guess that means a background of broken windows and murals of Malcontent X.

And after all, what is garbage?  The latest from the Trump stump: Mexicans are garbage. Black people are garbage. Muslims are garbage. Everyone is garbage. Except 'us'.

Stand up for your privileges white people! Sure we dominate every board of directors, governorship, state legislature, pretty much every body of power in the land. Yet these coloreds want to worm their way in. A piece of the pie for Muslims? No way, no how! Bad enough that Mormons are in the game. And Mexicans! Give me a break! They can't even talk right!

Sure, it's really corporate greed and trends in globalization that are putting economic pressure on us. But isn't a simpler story to blame people who are even a shade off-white? Thankfully, we have Trump Power now! I move that we program our voting machines for "automatic" this fall; that is, automatic Trump, so we don't even have to bother to go to the polls. That way, Trump will win the minority vote hands down. As promised. See?

Yanky Doodle

Obama Noms Jesus for SCOTUS; GOP 'Outraged'

President Obama announced today his nomination of Jesus of Nazareth to replace Justice Antonin Scalia on the Supreme Court. Justice Scalia passed away on Friday of natural causes. Cries of dismay were immediately heard from Republican observers.

"This is outrageous," said Mitch McConnell, Senate Majority Leader. "You saw what he did to the money changers. The last thing our economy needs is an anti-business justice."

Charles Grassley (R-IA) added that "Jesus forgives everybody. That does not bode well for law and order in our country."

These sentiments were echoed throughout the conservative community. Rush Limbaugh, the conservative radio infotanair, called Jesus " a liberal long-haired hippy n*gg*r-lover, and the Republicans should stand firm against him."

Meet the Candidates

The presidential field is the most exciting I've seen in my lifetime.  A parade of public servants have lined up to win my approval.  They are first-class and they work so hard it makes me cry.  How can we go wrong? America's future is very bright indeed with these all-stars in the running. Yet, we must choose among these brilliant leaders.  I can't tell you how to vote, but I can introduce these near deities to you.  Here is a summary of the candidates in five words or less, which is all you need to know.

Donald Trump - Make America Grate Again.

Ben Carson - Zzzzzz

Jeb! - Makin' Spanish Bacon!

Bernie Sanders - The American People are Idiots.

Rand Paul - Trust me, I'm a doctor.

The Huckster - The direct dial to God.

John Kasich - Rational RINO.

Hillary Clinton - I am woman.