Most Admired Man

Barry O'Bama

Once again, Barry Obama beat me out for Most Admired Man in America.  I am flabbergasted.  How the American People can have failed to notice my superior qualities, I’ll never know.

First of all, I am always right.  It says so on the internet, even though I might have put it there myself.  Second, I am better looking.  He has those funny ears.  I have noble ears which I have no fear of getting caught in the elevator door.  Thirdly, I’m a better community organizer.  Why, just last week I organized a little band of elementary school children to sniff out illegal pot farms.  All we got was poison ivy, but that’s beside the point.

As they say, there is always next year.  Maybe O’Bama will die of alcohol poisoning next St. Patrick’s Day.  Until then, I remain unrefuted.

Feds to Regulate Usernames

Felix Minehelmet

When Felix Minehelmet of Scranton Pennsylvania wanted to create a new online banking account, he was repeatedly thwarted in his attempts to create a username.  “All the usernames were taken,” he complained.

“I tried everything,” he said. “It wouldn’t accept my real name, because apparently it is too common.  I tried taking all the vowels out of my name, inserting special characters between all the letters, adding in numbers, but no dice.  Then I tried anagrams of my name such as

Hunter Mine

Hinter Menu

Thinner Emu

“But they were all taken usernames.  I got so damned frustrated and cussed so hard I got a nosebleed.”

Felix finally managed to create an account with the username FUCKYOU.

Felix’s story is all too common.  I reached out to FCC Director of Consumer Frustrations, Simon Carousel.  “The only solution, obviously, is to create a larger pool of available usernames,” he said.  He told me that the proposals under review are to extend the Roman alphabet to include a triple-u, an upside down ‘x’, and include letters from the Hebrew alphabet.  The new regulations also add ctrl+alt+delete to the list of valid characters.

I asked him what the timeline was to implement the new regulations.  He said he could send me the draft plan and schedule, but he would have to get back to me because he couldn’t remember his password.  “I’ll have to call IT, I guess,” Carousel said.

The Tech Giants are adamantly opposed to the changes.  “This will best be done in close cooperation with the tech industry,” Carousel said.  “We don’t expect to get it, so we’ll have to ram it down their throats.”