M.W. Thomas, Candidate for President of the United States

I am pleased today to announce my candidacy for the Republican nomination for President of the United States of America.  Let me begin by asking for your vote, before I describe my qualifications.  Because facts have a well-known liberal bias, I will stick to meaty assertions that you can take on faith.  Here’s my position on the issues.

Taxes:  Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases “revenue enhancement.”  Not so.  No one was fooled.

Life:  I, like other Republicans, understand the importance of bondage between mother and child.  Just don’t google it.  You might get busted by the FBI, as I did in Chattanooga last year.

Compromise:  My friends, we can and we will never, never surrender to what is right.  If we don’t succeed, then we run the risk of failure.

Human Rights:  I expect the Chinese government to work toward the elimination of human rights.  I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy – but that could change.

The Lame-Stream Media:  Don’t believe what is reported about me.  I’m not a man who’s leading with his head between his legs.

The War on Terror:  The global importance of the Middle East is that it keeps the Near East and the Far East from encroaching on each other.

Transportation:  Air travel efficiency would improve more if travelers started to go to less popular places.  I am the only presidential candidate talking about this.

The Environmental Protection Agency:  It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment.  It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.

NASA:  Mars is essentially in the same orbit as I am.  It is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is important.  We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and therefore water.  If there is water, that means there is oxygen.  If oxygen, that means we can breathe.  I promise to go there.

About My Rivals:  Their verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.

Poverty:  We Republicans have been accused of abandoning the poor.  It’s the other way around.  They never vote for us.  People are not homeless if they are sleeping in the streets of their own home town.  That’s just common sense.

If I didn't mention your issue, no worries. Just think of Slavery and Hitler. Remember that this presidential election is about who is going to be the next President of the United States.  May our nation continue to be the bacon of hope in the world.  Together, we’ll make America grate again.

I would like to thank the United Negro College Fund for sponsoring this announcement of my presidency.  What a terrible thing it is to have lost one’s mind.  Or to not to have a mind at all.  How true that is.  I’ll close with the one word the best describes my candidacy:  “to be prepared.”  God Bless America, the greatest planet on earth.