Never Say Yes, A Poem by M.W. Thomas

Jim Plunkett of Ewell’s Landing, Missouri said “Yes”

And ended up poling a piano across the lake on a homemade raft

To his brother’s cabin

When the raft and the piano sunk to the bottom

And he spit and gurgled and swore in a language Missourians know well

Then all he could think was “Oh, no!”

Miss Lulu Simon of National City, California said “Yes”

To a sailor at the Acey-Deucy Club after two Miller Lites, an umbrella drink,

And a shot of Cuervo

After a bouncy romp in the back seat of a ’72 Camaro with loose shocks

He broke her poor little drunk heart into five way-too-easy-pieces

And all she could think was “Oh, no!”

Let me explain you something:  Say “No” to “Yes”

Por ejemplo, Raul Montegon of San Juan, Puerto Rico said “Yes”

He would rid the city of all its feral cats (for a fee and a throw with an exclusive puta)

But the cats were smarter than Raul

And they ambushed him at the Castillo de San Cristobal with medical instruments

They extracted his eyeballs, cut out his tongue, and amputated his thumbs

And all Raul could say was “Oh, bo!”

Yusif and Hammad of St. Paul, Minnesota said “Yes”

And that is how they started campaigning door to door for Hubert Humphrey

(Remember Hubert Humphrey?)

One particular Sunday was their best ever afternoon of Persuasion

Hammad said “Praise Jesus!” Yusif praised Allah

And they punched each other in the face and mailed all the checks to Reverend Moon(Oh no!)

Busbee Irwin of Brisbane, Australia said “Yes”

And commenced to kickboxing with a kangaroo and he played defense

Well at first

And almost rope-a-doped a roo until he found

A kangaroo has a third foot tucked under his tail, a fourth

That pops out of his right eye, a fifth out of his left

And has a Bruce Lee fist for a tongue… Oh, no!

Donna May of Slippery Rock, Pennsylvania finally said “Yes”

And agreed to change into her gym clothes with all the other girls

In the change room

They all said, “Eww!” and began picking off the scabs that covered her whole body

Until the pus ran out of her and her body shrank to the size of a dried pea and ran down the shower drain

And when the plumber arrived all he could say was “Oh, no!”

Yes-People you’re going down

You know that “No means no”

But “Yes” does not mean “No”

And that is a problem.

Jim Watkinson of Ketchikan, Alaska said “Yes”

And leaped from the dock of the salmon processing plant

Into the inner passage

And though it was July, it was a scrotum-shrinking swim

An otter floated by and thinking Jim was after his clams beat him with his feet

Until Jim thought he would drown, but his friends pulled him out and paid him his five dollars.

His sister posted the video on YouTube.

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