Hallucinating in Chinese

Plan for the New Silk Road

Holy Yak Attack! I read in the paper yesterday that China is reconstructing the Old Silk Road. The Silk Road, you will recall from your history lessons, was an ancient trade route from China to Middle Earth that carried valued commodities such as gold, frankincense, myrrh, and knock-off chariot wheels. It was originally paved with rice paper, but every time it rained, the road turned into vinegar and became pimpled with potholes. Some enterprising travelers discovered they could fill the potholes with sugar and so it became known as The Sweet and Sour Road, from which we get the famous pork dish (the food coloring was added later.)  Later, they repaved the road with silk, which was a major technological advance. The silk weathered the rain much better and a road crew had only to come out with giant steam irons and smooth out the wrinkles afterward. Eventually, the road became moth-eaten and fell into disuse.

Beijing (it was called Peking in my day) seems to think a New Silk Road will revitalize China's economy.  They should consult Coca-Cola first. This modern highway will give China back porch access to western markets where they can sell grainy copies of The Godfather, Star Wars, and Dumb and Dumber, as well imitation iPhones, and other iFads. There will be a kiosk at the Pakistani border where Americans can buy back their Social Security Numbers. Call them Land Pirates. I think this idea is as stupid as it is quaint, and it would serve them right if they exhaust themselves on this pig.

Shipping and Air Cargo are much more efficient means of transport.  The South Koreans build 10,000 cargo ships a day, so their is no shortage of sea-vehicles in the world. Perhaps by the time China emerges from its economic woes, teleportation will have been perfected. I thought the Chinese were supposed to be patient. Silicon Valley will design it, and Hong Kong will build it, and Shandong will provide the stolen illegal version.

This New Silk Road is an idea whose time has come - if you're Confucius. I urge you to write your local Chinese trade representative and tell him or her that this project is an outrageous way to spend another country's money. Then go out for some General Tso's Chicken.

h/t THE WASHINGTON POST