If I Am Not The Center Of The Universe

If I am not the Center of the Universe, then who is?  I am sick up and fed with the like of you all who would deny me my place in the Cosmos, or in the express lane.  The elevator goes to my floor – first.  Thank you for holding the door for me, now please step aside and make yourself scarce.  How dare you cut me off in traffic?  I am sorry your kid swallowed a triple-A battery, but I need to get to the store and buy a pack of cigarettes.  Do you not understand that I have the right of way on all our highways and byways?  Do you want to Make America Great Again?  Then get the hell out of my way.

Also, I am always right.  It says so on the internet, even if I put it there myself.  If you disagree, you can take it up with my Internet Service Provider.  Anyway, that’s called Infallibility, which a board game by Hasbro, and is close enough to real life for me.  I call it Irrefutable so I can’t be sued for trademark infringement.  That’s called Irresponsibility.

Did I mention Omnipotent?  That means I am All-Powerful except when my wife is home.  I can raise my hand and bend my mind by sheer force of will.  This power has to be used sparingly, otherwise I might inadvertently power wash the deck next weekend, but with prayer and meditation, it can be a force to end all forces.

Last night I had a dream that I died and faced my Creator along with Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  God turned to Honest Abe first and said:  “Abraham, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”

Abe said:  “Father in Heaven, I worked mightily for justice and wisdom so that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish.  In the midst of it, I fought a Great Civil War to preserve the promise of America and free it of the scourge of slavery, which would have been the ruin of this continent.  Indeed, I gave my own life in service of this great and terrible struggle.”

And God said:  “Abraham, you shall sit in the chair to my right.”

Then God spoke to FDR and said:  “Franklin, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”

FDR said:  “Father in Heaven, I have labored all my life on behalf of the oppressed and disenfranchised.  I led the American People through a time of terrible hardship and relieved their burden and their hunger.  In the midst of it, I fought a great war against evil, and led the free world to total defeat of those who would murder and enslave the whole world, and committed unspeakable atrocities.  I died knowing that your divine will only could prevail.”

And God said:  “Franklin, you shall sit in the chair to my left.”

Then God turned to me and said:  “Michael…”

And I said:  “God, I believe you’re in my chair.”