Save Your Marriage Today!

Hey New Guy, is your young marriage on the rocks?  Since space is at a premium on the internet, let’s jump to the quick:  it’s your entire fault.  Men are from Mars and Women are from elsewhere.  Ignorance is no excuse.  You’ll need to set yourself straight before things go much further.  My Irrefutable Opinion will be your guide.

First, have you learned to say, “Yes, Dear”?  You will say it in response to anything she tells you.  Practice in front of a mirror.  You should have a pleasant look on your face, but never smile.  She will be suspicious.

Sure, you let the dog out, but did you make sure he pooped?  Did you see him poop?  Did you tell him to poop?  Did you watch him until he was done pooping?

A thousand questions don’t have a thousand answers, so you have to save them up for the end.  Wait for her phone to ring and then say, “Uh-huh.”

Put the toilet seat down after you pee.  Just the one with the hole in it, not the whole thing.  Change the toilet paper roll if it needs it.  Carefully observe if it goes over or under.  If you can’t find a new roll, ask!  Do not touch anything.  She will rebuke you as helpless, to which you will reply, “Yes, Dear.”  It beats the alternative.

When she drops something in the garbage pail, immediately tie up the bag and take it out to the curb.  If you don’t replace the bag, you deserve what you get.

In the morning when she wakes up, do not speak until you’re spoken to.  Then say, “Yes, Dear.”

There are some words and phrases she will use that you need to learn to translate.  Here’s a quick reference.  Copy it down and keep it in your wallet.

“You always” = “You did it once”

“You never” = “You didn’t do it once”

“Somebody” = “You’

“Some people” = “You”

“I told you” = “I meant to tell you, which is the same thing”

 “You’re drunk” = “You’re drunk”

If you’re a beer drinker, you may have to start hitting the hard stuff.  At dinner, while you and your love bunny are productively reviewing everything you did wrong that day, let your heart swell with gratitude.  Pat her hand and pity your friends who have not yet found the marital bliss that you enjoy.