My Irrefutable Opinion
I'm always right... or else!
Friday, January 12, 2018
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Stable Genius
Chief Stable Genius of the United States |
There’s nothing like a good think. A genius like me has to be careful
though. This big brain of mine makes me
top heavy and I am wont to topple over.
When I have a think, I brace myself against a solid surface for stability. Safety first.
Yes, I am a stable genius with these precautions. Elevation matters too. I find that I think best between 275 and 350
feet above sea level. The ratio of
oxygen to sulfur dioxide has to be just so.
Then the torrent of my brilliant ideas floods the room like a broken
water pipe in winter.
I am sure my cogitations excel over those of the Chief Stable
Genius of the United States. I know that
because
1. I know how to read
2. I stay inside the lines in my coloring book
3. I can drink from a bottle of water with one hand
Now, I know it sounds like I am bragging, but we stable
geniuses have an obligation to warn those around us, lest there be unintended
injury. My brain can build up such a
massive charge that poisonous frog darts may emanate from me through the sheer
will of narcissism. It is all fun and
games until somebody loses an eye.
Sunday, December 31, 2017
Most Admired Man
Barry O'Bama |
Once again, Barry Obama beat me out for Most Admired Man in
America. I am flabbergasted. How the American People can have failed to
notice my superior qualities, I’ll never know.
First of all, I am always right. It says so on the internet, even though I
might have put it there myself. Second,
I am better looking. He has those funny
ears. I have noble ears which I have no
fear of getting caught in the elevator door.
Thirdly, I’m a better community organizer. Why, just last week I organized a little band
of elementary school children to sniff out illegal pot farms. All we got was poison ivy, but that’s beside
the point.
As they say, there is always next year. Maybe O’Bama will die of alcohol poisoning
next St. Patrick’s Day. Until then, I
remain unrefuted.
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Feds to Regulate Usernames
Felix Minehelmet |
When Felix Minehelmet of Scranton Pennsylvania wanted to
create a new online banking account, he was repeatedly thwarted in his attempts
to create a username. “All the usernames
were taken,” he complained.
“I tried everything,” he said. “It wouldn’t accept my real
name, because apparently it is too common.
I tried taking all the vowels out of my name, inserting special characters
between all the letters, adding in numbers, but no dice. Then I tried anagrams of my name such as
Hunter Mine
Hinter Menu
Thinner Emu
“But they were all taken usernames. I got so damned frustrated and cussed so hard I got
a nosebleed.”
Felix finally managed to create an account with the username
FUCKYOU.
Felix’s story is all too common. I reached out to FCC Director of Consumer
Frustrations, Simon Carousel. “The only
solution, obviously, is to create a larger pool of available usernames,” he
said. He told me that the proposals
under review are to extend the Roman alphabet to include a triple-u, an upside
down ‘x’, and include letters from the Hebrew alphabet. The new regulations also add ctrl+alt+delete
to the list of valid characters.
I asked him what the timeline was to implement the new
regulations. He said he could send me
the draft plan and schedule, but he would have to get back to me because he
couldn’t remember his password. “I’ll
have to call IT, I guess,” Carousel said.
The Tech Giants are adamantly opposed to the changes. “This will best be done in close cooperation
with the tech industry,” Carousel said. “We
don’t expect to get it, so we’ll have to ram it down their throats.”
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
Puerto Rico
Puerto Rico |
Puerto Rico is an island. It's in an ocean. A big ocean. If you want to rebuild Puerto Rico you will need ships and aeroplanes. Ships and aeroplanes! It will take years. Who knows how Puerto Rico got built in the first place! F*ck 'em. They don't even talk English. Except on TV. Fake news only shows Puerto Ricos speaking English. You can't order ketchup in Puerto Rico cause they don't know what you're saying. So when Puerto Ricos are speaking English on TV, you know it's FAKE NEWS! But we will rebuild Puerto Rico without ketchup. Believe me!
Sunday, July 16, 2017
If I Am Not The Center Of The Universe
If I am not the Center of the Universe, then who is? I am sick up and fed with the like of you all
who would deny me my place in the Cosmos, or in the express lane. The elevator goes to my floor – first. Thank you for holding the door for me, now
please step aside and make yourself scarce.
How dare you cut me off in traffic?
I am sorry your kid swallowed a triple-A battery, but I need to get to
the store and buy a pack of cigarettes. Do
you not understand that I have the right of way on all our highways and
byways? Do you want to Make America
Great Again? Then get the hell out of my
way.
Also, I am always right.
It says so on the internet, even if I put it there myself. If you disagree, you can take it up with my
Internet Service Provider. Anyway, that’s
called Infallibility, which a board game by Hasbro, and is close enough to real
life for me. I call it Irrefutable so I
can’t be sued for trademark infringement.
That’s called Irresponsibility.
Did I mention Omnipotent?
That means I am All-Powerful except when my wife is home. I can raise my hand and bend my mind by sheer
force of will. This power has to be used
sparingly, otherwise I might inadvertently power wash the deck next weekend,
but with prayer and meditation, it can be a force to end all forces.
Last night I had a dream that I died and faced my Creator
along with Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt. God turned to Honest Abe first and said: “Abraham, my child, what did you do with your
life to commend yourself to Heaven?”
Abe said: “Father in
Heaven, I worked mightily for justice and wisdom so that government of the
people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish. In the midst of it, I fought a Great Civil
War to preserve the promise of America and free it of the scourge of slavery,
which would have been the ruin of this continent. Indeed, I gave my own life in service of this
great and terrible struggle.”
And God said: “Abraham,
you shall sit in the chair to my right.”
Then God spoke to FDR and said: “Franklin, my child, what did you do with
your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”
FDR said: “Father in
Heaven, I have labored all my life on behalf of the oppressed and disenfranchised. I led the American People through a time of
terrible hardship and relieved their burden and their hunger. In the midst of it, I fought a great war
against evil, and led the free world to total defeat of those who would murder
and enslave the whole world, and committed unspeakable atrocities. I died knowing that your divine will only
could prevail.”
And God said: “Franklin,
you shall sit in the chair to my left.”
Then God turned to me and said: “Michael…”
Sunday, July 2, 2017
Save Your Marriage Today!
Hey New Guy, is your young marriage on the rocks? Since space is at a premium on the internet,
let’s jump to the quick: it’s your
entire fault. Men are from Mars and
Women are from elsewhere. Ignorance is
no excuse. You’ll need to set yourself
straight before things go much further.
My Irrefutable Opinion will be your guide.
First, have you learned to say, “Yes, Dear”? You will say it in response to anything she
tells you. Practice in front of a
mirror. You should have a pleasant look
on your face, but never smile. She will
be suspicious.
Sure, you let the dog out, but did you make sure he
pooped? Did you see him poop? Did you tell him to poop? Did you watch him until he was done pooping?
A thousand questions don’t have a thousand answers, so you
have to save them up for the end. Wait
for her phone to ring and then say, “Uh-huh.”
Put the toilet seat down after you pee. Just the one with the hole in it, not the
whole thing. Change the toilet paper
roll if it needs it. Carefully observe
if it goes over or under. If you can’t
find a new roll, ask! Do not touch
anything. She will rebuke you as
helpless, to which you will reply, “Yes, Dear.”
It beats the alternative.
When she drops something in the garbage pail, immediately
tie up the bag and take it out to the curb.
If you don’t replace the bag, you deserve what you get.
In the morning when she wakes up, do not speak until you’re
spoken to. Then say, “Yes, Dear.”
There are some words and phrases she will use that you need
to learn to translate. Here’s a quick
reference. Copy it down and keep it in
your wallet.
“You always” = “You did it once”
“You never” = “You didn’t do it once”
“Somebody” = “You’
“Some people” = “You”
“I told you” = “I meant to tell you, which is the same thing”
“You’re drunk” = “You’re
drunk”
If you’re a beer drinker, you may have to start hitting the
hard stuff. At dinner, while you and
your love bunny are productively reviewing everything you did wrong that day, let
your heart swell with gratitude. Pat her
hand and pity your friends who have not yet found the marital bliss that you
enjoy.
Saturday, July 1, 2017
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Sunday, June 11, 2017
Only the Mediocre Are Always at Their Best
You gotta f*ck up now and then, at least as often as you
shine. As music has dynamics, as rivers
have floods and dry beds, as strippers go up and down the pole, so we all must go to-and-fro on the pendulum of life.
Only a dull boy is always at top dead center. He has no genius, no break-out moments. His best days are outliers.
I am taking inventory of the past week. Here’s a fuck up. I ordered a digital oscilloscope for the
radar lab, but forgot to order the probes.
What a spaetzle-head! I did order the
scope, but that was just expected. Top
dead center. Did I have a genius moment? Alas, no.
Let’s just say I’m saving that for next week.
My post title is borrowed from Al Franken as his Stuart
Smalley character on Saturday Night Live.
Franken is now a U.S. Senator from the Great State of Minnesota and seems to
at his mediocre best in his new role. That
seems to be our natural state. It keeps
us out of trouble, does it not?
Still, if there is any life in us, we inevitably have our
moments. I’d like to see the look on my
face when I look up and find I’m within inches of rear-ending the car in front
of me. I do see the look on your face
when you glance up at your rear view mirror and see me within inches of
rear-ending you. Which is to say,
perspective plays a role in the fuck-up-to-genius spectrum. Perhaps that little fright will teach you not
to suddenly slam on your brakes for no reason.
Genius!
I have had moments of sheer brilliance. Such as stocking the coffee cups in the
cabinet right above the coffee maker.
Real brains in action there. Or
when I stashed a spare pair of sun glasses in my glove compartment just in case I
forgot my regular pair at home. Your
admiration is a given.
Pause now to consider your most recent flash of genius. Your most recent screw-up. Do you only see that mediocre sandwich in between?
Here's a call to action. I say, go forth and swing freely on the pendulum of
life. Risk the f*ck ups and welcome
those genius moments. Don’t always be
your middling “best.”
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