Most Admired Man

Barry O'Bama

Once again, Barry Obama beat me out for Most Admired Man in America.  I am flabbergasted.  How the American People can have failed to notice my superior qualities, I’ll never know.

First of all, I am always right.  It says so on the internet, even though I might have put it there myself.  Second, I am better looking.  He has those funny ears.  I have noble ears which I have no fear of getting caught in the elevator door.  Thirdly, I’m a better community organizer.  Why, just last week I organized a little band of elementary school children to sniff out illegal pot farms.  All we got was poison ivy, but that’s beside the point.

As they say, there is always next year.  Maybe O’Bama will die of alcohol poisoning next St. Patrick’s Day.  Until then, I remain unrefuted.

Feds to Regulate Usernames

Felix Minehelmet

When Felix Minehelmet of Scranton Pennsylvania wanted to create a new online banking account, he was repeatedly thwarted in his attempts to create a username.  “All the usernames were taken,” he complained.

“I tried everything,” he said. “It wouldn’t accept my real name, because apparently it is too common.  I tried taking all the vowels out of my name, inserting special characters between all the letters, adding in numbers, but no dice.  Then I tried anagrams of my name such as

Hunter Mine

Hinter Menu

Thinner Emu

“But they were all taken usernames.  I got so damned frustrated and cussed so hard I got a nosebleed.”

Felix finally managed to create an account with the username FUCKYOU.

Felix’s story is all too common.  I reached out to FCC Director of Consumer Frustrations, Simon Carousel.  “The only solution, obviously, is to create a larger pool of available usernames,” he said.  He told me that the proposals under review are to extend the Roman alphabet to include a triple-u, an upside down ‘x’, and include letters from the Hebrew alphabet.  The new regulations also add ctrl+alt+delete to the list of valid characters.

I asked him what the timeline was to implement the new regulations.  He said he could send me the draft plan and schedule, but he would have to get back to me because he couldn’t remember his password.  “I’ll have to call IT, I guess,” Carousel said.

The Tech Giants are adamantly opposed to the changes.  “This will best be done in close cooperation with the tech industry,” Carousel said.  “We don’t expect to get it, so we’ll have to ram it down their throats.”

Puerto Rico

Puerto Rico

Just as the President knows more about war than the generals, he also knows more about geography than the geographers.  The President explained it:

Puerto Rico is an island.  It's in an ocean. A big ocean. If you want to rebuild Puerto Rico you will need ships and aeroplanes.  Ships and aeroplanes! It will take years.  Who knows how Puerto Rico got built in the first place! F*ck 'em. They don't even talk English.  Except on TV. Fake news only shows Puerto Ricos speaking English.  You can't order ketchup in Puerto Rico cause they don't know what you're saying. So when Puerto Ricos are speaking English on TV, you know it's FAKE NEWS! But we will rebuild Puerto Rico without ketchup. Believe me!

If I Am Not The Center Of The Universe

If I am not the Center of the Universe, then who is?  I am sick up and fed with the like of you all who would deny me my place in the Cosmos, or in the express lane.  The elevator goes to my floor – first.  Thank you for holding the door for me, now please step aside and make yourself scarce.  How dare you cut me off in traffic?  I am sorry your kid swallowed a triple-A battery, but I need to get to the store and buy a pack of cigarettes.  Do you not understand that I have the right of way on all our highways and byways?  Do you want to Make America Great Again?  Then get the hell out of my way.

Also, I am always right.  It says so on the internet, even if I put it there myself.  If you disagree, you can take it up with my Internet Service Provider.  Anyway, that’s called Infallibility, which a board game by Hasbro, and is close enough to real life for me.  I call it Irrefutable so I can’t be sued for trademark infringement.  That’s called Irresponsibility.

Did I mention Omnipotent?  That means I am All-Powerful except when my wife is home.  I can raise my hand and bend my mind by sheer force of will.  This power has to be used sparingly, otherwise I might inadvertently power wash the deck next weekend, but with prayer and meditation, it can be a force to end all forces.

Last night I had a dream that I died and faced my Creator along with Abraham Lincoln and Franklin Delano Roosevelt.  God turned to Honest Abe first and said:  “Abraham, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”

Abe said:  “Father in Heaven, I worked mightily for justice and wisdom so that government of the people, by the people, and for the people shall not perish.  In the midst of it, I fought a Great Civil War to preserve the promise of America and free it of the scourge of slavery, which would have been the ruin of this continent.  Indeed, I gave my own life in service of this great and terrible struggle.”

And God said:  “Abraham, you shall sit in the chair to my right.”

Then God spoke to FDR and said:  “Franklin, my child, what did you do with your life to commend yourself to Heaven?”

FDR said:  “Father in Heaven, I have labored all my life on behalf of the oppressed and disenfranchised.  I led the American People through a time of terrible hardship and relieved their burden and their hunger.  In the midst of it, I fought a great war against evil, and led the free world to total defeat of those who would murder and enslave the whole world, and committed unspeakable atrocities.  I died knowing that your divine will only could prevail.”

And God said:  “Franklin, you shall sit in the chair to my left.”

Then God turned to me and said:  “Michael…”

And I said:  “God, I believe you’re in my chair.”

Save Your Marriage Today!

Hey New Guy, is your young marriage on the rocks?  Since space is at a premium on the internet, let’s jump to the quick:  it’s your entire fault.  Men are from Mars and Women are from elsewhere.  Ignorance is no excuse.  You’ll need to set yourself straight before things go much further.  My Irrefutable Opinion will be your guide.

First, have you learned to say, “Yes, Dear”?  You will say it in response to anything she tells you.  Practice in front of a mirror.  You should have a pleasant look on your face, but never smile.  She will be suspicious.

Sure, you let the dog out, but did you make sure he pooped?  Did you see him poop?  Did you tell him to poop?  Did you watch him until he was done pooping?

A thousand questions don’t have a thousand answers, so you have to save them up for the end.  Wait for her phone to ring and then say, “Uh-huh.”

Put the toilet seat down after you pee.  Just the one with the hole in it, not the whole thing.  Change the toilet paper roll if it needs it.  Carefully observe if it goes over or under.  If you can’t find a new roll, ask!  Do not touch anything.  She will rebuke you as helpless, to which you will reply, “Yes, Dear.”  It beats the alternative.

When she drops something in the garbage pail, immediately tie up the bag and take it out to the curb.  If you don’t replace the bag, you deserve what you get.

In the morning when she wakes up, do not speak until you’re spoken to.  Then say, “Yes, Dear.”

There are some words and phrases she will use that you need to learn to translate.  Here’s a quick reference.  Copy it down and keep it in your wallet.

“You always” = “You did it once”

“You never” = “You didn’t do it once”

“Somebody” = “You’

“Some people” = “You”

“I told you” = “I meant to tell you, which is the same thing”

 “You’re drunk” = “You’re drunk”

If you’re a beer drinker, you may have to start hitting the hard stuff.  At dinner, while you and your love bunny are productively reviewing everything you did wrong that day, let your heart swell with gratitude.  Pat her hand and pity your friends who have not yet found the marital bliss that you enjoy.

Delirious Tremors by M.W. Thomas

Delirious Tremors by M.W. Thomas

Only the Mediocre Are Always at Their Best

You gotta f*ck up now and then, at least as often as you shine.  As music has dynamics, as rivers have floods and dry beds, as strippers go up and down the pole, so we all must go to-and-fro on the pendulum of life.  Only a dull boy is always at top dead center.  He has no genius, no break-out moments.  His best days are outliers.

I am taking inventory of the past week.  Here’s a fuck up.  I ordered a digital oscilloscope for the radar lab, but forgot to order the probes.  What a spaetzle-head!  I did order the scope, but that was just expected.  Top dead center.  Did I have a genius moment?  Alas, no.  Let’s just say I’m saving that for next week.

My post title is borrowed from Al Franken as his Stuart Smalley character on Saturday Night Live.  Franken is now a U.S. Senator from the Great State of Minnesota and seems to at his mediocre best in his new role.  That seems to be our natural state.  It keeps us out of trouble, does it not?

Still, if there is any life in us, we inevitably have our moments.  I’d like to see the look on my face when I look up and find I’m within inches of rear-ending the car in front of me.  I do see the look on your face when you glance up at your rear view mirror and see me within inches of rear-ending you.  Which is to say, perspective plays a role in the fuck-up-to-genius spectrum.  Perhaps that little fright will teach you not to suddenly slam on your brakes for no reason.  Genius!

I have had moments of sheer brilliance.  Such as stocking the coffee cups in the cabinet right above the coffee maker.  Real brains in action there.  Or when I stashed a spare pair of sun glasses in my glove compartment just in case I forgot my regular pair at home.  Your admiration is a given.

Pause now to consider your most recent flash of genius.  Your most recent screw-up.  Do you only see that mediocre sandwich in between?

Here's a call to action.  I say, go forth and swing freely on the pendulum of life.  Risk the f*ck ups and welcome those genius moments.  Don’t always be your middling “best.”

Delirious Tremors by M.W. Thomas

10 Bad Things That Happened To Me Last Week

I'm not a big fan of lists, but this one practically wrote itself.  Here are some unfortunate highlights from my week.

1. Smashed my ear in the car door
2. While getting dressed, tucked the tail of my shirt in my hip pocket
3. Dropped a slice of toast and it landed buttered side up – in the dog’s water bowl
4. The barista at Starbuck’s assigned me the name “dickhead”
5. My cube mate found my Starbuck’s cup and now my new nickname at work is “dickhead”
6. Lost time getting a speeding ticket and had to put the pedal to the metal to get to work on time
7. Accidentally cornered a fox and got mauled by a Chihuahua that wanted to kill both of us
8. Leaned back too far in a chair – made it look like I was lying on my back on purpose
9. Saw an old friend at a funeral.  He didn’t look so good.  Hence, the funeral...
10. Jehovah's witness came to the door and convinced me I was going to hell, so I went to the pawn shop and traded my harp for an accordion

The only thing worse about a week of my life is missing one.  Have a tumult of your own to share?  Leave a comment!