My "Honest" Online Dating Profile

Disclaimer: I am not an eligible bachelor. No, I am not dating, but I merely wanted to comment on the unique environment of the e-hookup.  Online dating profiles are notorious for their embellishments.  Let me be your guide to showing you how to do it in a perfectly "honest" way, from the male perspective, of course.  Let's get started.









Name: Mike "The Jackhammer" Thomas

Heh, heh.  A little suggestive.  Boom from the get-go.

Age: 45

Actually, 54.  I just "accidently" reversed the digits. Anyone could make that mistake.

Profession:  Financial Investor

True enough, I have a 401(k) and I am fully vested in my company's employee stock ownership plan.

Best attribute: Very virile, so much so that each of my testicles is larger than the other

A little too crude for the ladies?  I may change this answer when I update my profile next time.

Interests:  I love horsies

I don't have anything against them anyway.  The one time I rode a horse, it took off at full throttle the instant I climbed in the saddle.  We ran at wind breaking speed across the meadow, leaping fences and dodging fallen logs, before finally returning to the owner.  I am lucky to be alive.

Religious attitudes:  You will be my goddess.  Your honey-do lists will be my scripture.

This response is just my opening bid.  Follow-up is subject to negotiation.

You get the idea.  An online dating profile is like baiting your hook for bass fishing, guys.  If you do it right, you will achieve the American ideal of life-long misery.

Direct any complaints to Dr. Phil.

Twitter: @unrefuted
Email: myirrefutableopinion@gmail.com