As long as the U.S.A. is returning to the practice of torturing "detainees" (read: "prisoners"), why don't we update our practices to be a little more in keeping with the times? Waterboarding is so twelfth century. I offer some ideas:- Blare Olivia Newton John's "I Honestly Love You" on repeat
- Pipe in an audio book performed by Janet Yellen
- Make 'em eat offal for dinner
- Add @realDonaldTrump to their Twitter timeline
- "Treat" them to a blowjob from Sarah Palin
- Make them play Pong, and deliver an electric shock every time they miss
- Have them stand in line behind an old lady writing a check at the grocery store
- Force feed 'em microwaved Brussel sprouts
- Make them binge watch a box set of Brady Bunch episodes
- Trim their beards with a FlowBee
- Shut 'em in a room with a cat in heat
- Make them write "Bill O'Reilly is a penis" 1000 times on the chalkboard*
- Speak to them only in Pig Latin
- Hook them up with Ann Coulter
- Blame him for Bristol Palin's next pregnancy
- Threaten to send them to Dollywood
- Make them clean Rush Limbaugh's toilet
- Take away his cot and replace it with Whoopie Cushions
- Serve them with subpoenas requiring them to testify before Congress
- Give them banjo lessons
- Hook him up with Josh Duggar
- Fly them to New Zealand in a crop duster
- Put them in charge of answering your girlfriend's questions
- Punish them for following orders
- Put Mormon missionaries in charge of interrogations
- Gift each with a scrapbook collection of the guards's boogers
- Put them in charge of navigating the Comcast support line
*Seriously, he gets very stiff and his head turns purple when he's "excited."
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