Who Farted?

I can sniff the breeze. Somebody just polluted my environment. I didn't fart, someone else did. I know because my farts are inoffensive. Your farts stink.

The EPA has demonstrated no safe level of exposure to your farts. Therefore, they have to be considered lethal until proven otherwise. I demand that you refrain from farting within fifty feet of any entry way.

This is non-negotiable. Environmental flatus has been ignored for way too long. According to the Surgeon General of California, a fart discharge from five miles away is the equivalent of a hundred megaton nuclear detonation. It is my right as an American to object to exposure to these dangers.

I declare a no-farting zone in North America. Violators should be prosecuted and subjected to their own dangerous emissions. Not lethal injection: bring back the gas chamber.