Eyebrows

The best eyebrows are these:  you have two of them and nobody notices them.  They are the same color as your head hair and not other manifestations of your hirsute self.  The worst eyebrows are of two kinds: 1) they stand out like paintbrushes; or 2) you don't have any.

Men's eyebrows should be merely functional.  Lose the mono-brow dude.  Let the brow be part of your sign language.  Let them travel up and down with the furls in your forehead, to seduce that shape in a drape (that's "beatnik" for a girl in a cute dress), to flash disapproval, to convey surprise, or to rebuke stupidity.  The male eyebrow's job is done with these simple assignments.

Women's eyebrows, on the hand, are the stuff of YouTube videos. Women keep their eyebrow threader on speed dial.  I've known some older women who simply shave their eyebrows off altogether and then draw them back on with a pencil. The latest thing seems to be to have your eyebrows tattooed on. Good grief! Please don't start me on piercings.  Now that is low brow.

The Theory of the Perfect Female Brow, like Physics, is unfinished business.  What is the ideal taper toward the temple?  Does it depend more on the shape of your face, or your personality? To tell the truth, I don't give a rolling donut. Here's what matters to me, ladies. I don't care how well acquainted you feel we are, I don't want you suddenly reaching up and yanking out any wild hairs from my eyebrows. Nonconsensual epilation is strictly out of bounds.

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