Spirited Toasts

Since this is the season of holiday parties, and since holiday parties often put one on the spot to "say a few words", and since saying a few words often means offering a toast as beverages are served, I thought I would share a collection of some of my favorites. I'll start with the most innocuous ones that tend to be suitable for any occasion, although I fully intend to push the envelop before I'm done with you.  This first one is a favorite with mariners and never fails to please.  Memorize it, as it will win friends, influence people, and will be the one thing you say all night that won't embarrass your wife.

Here's to tall ships, here's to small ships
Here's to all ships on the sea;
But the best ship is friendship,
So here's to you and me.

This next one is in the same sentimental vein, but is a little easier on the memory-challenged.  I still like it, even though it is a little bland.

May you live as long as you like,
And have all you like as long as you live.

Or you may like this next one, which is a bit clever.  Notice the parallelism, and how it follows the "rule of threes."

May you have the hindsight to where you've been,
The foresight to know where you're going
And the insight to know when you've gone too far.

A tease on the ladies, as I'm sure you know, is a time-honored theme.  The first of my offerings is blushingly innocent.

May we kiss who we please,
And please whom we kiss.

But some gatherings allows one to be a bit degenerate.  Here's the kind of wit that pleases me:

Here's to wives and sweethearts!
May they never meet.

Here's to hell!
May the stay there
Be as much fun as the way there!

Another point of departure is a riff on contention. Let 'er rip!

Here's to you and here's to me,
Friends may we always be!
But if by chance we disagree,
Up yours! Here's to me!

May his soul be forever tormented by fire
And his bones be dug up by dogs
And dragged through the streets of Minneapolis. ~ Garrison Keillor

I thought I'd throw in the latter just in case you happen to be Minnesotan. I suppose you could substitute your own metropolis of choice. 

Of course, the mainstay of the toast is the reference to drink itself.  The first example below is perfect for the Christmas festivities.

Here's to holly and ivy hanging up,
And to something wet in every cup.

But you can't exaggerate the improvement accomplished when you work the fairer sex into it.  There's just something about it...

I'll drink to the girls who do!
I'll drink to the girls who don't!
But... I won't drink to the girls
Who say they will and won't!

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Were tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in Braille!

You see that limericks make perfectly fine toasts, as long as there are women and alcohol in it.  Below is an interesting attempt at applying logic to the whole affair.

When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So let's all get drunk and go to heaven.

But, there is always virtue in brevity:

Gentlemen: start your livers!

Finally, I will gift to you an original toast of my own. The inspiration for it will remain my little secret.

Here's to Dads and here's to Moms
I cherish them all without qualms
But check your praise for their earthly lives,
For they are also Husbands and Wives. ~ M.W. Thomas

nom de Twitter: @unrefuted
Email: myirrefutableopinion@gmail.com